Tuesday, 26 April 2016

DIARY: Spider Chronicles - Moving House

13th March 
Kelsey starts howling like she's seen Satan.
I flush and run.
There's a huge huntsman spider on her wall.
As big as my hand.
I have no insect repellent.
Armed with a jewel encrusted black suede shoe and my trusty sink cleaner spray... saying "I'm so sorry little friend!" I sprayed it a couple times and then dispatched it to the planet Pandora.

15th March
Well... woke Kelsey up this morning... and the spider from yesterday... his partner was on the ceiling about 20cm from Kelsey's face in the loft bed!!!
Instead of jewel shoeing it like yesterday. I tried Nannarelles suggestion of a broom and a window.
Shoulda used the shoe, people.
It is now IN the loft bed.
Bigger than my hand.
In the loft bed.
I may as well burn the house and move out now.

People may say that we as a race never "hunted" for our prey like animals ...and were herbivores only etc etc.
But when you are stalking a blerrie spider bigger than your hand, one that literally gallops voetstoets like a horse across the friggin CEILING!...
You realise how much of a Hunter you actually are... you're quiet... stealthy... lethal... hairspray at the ready... predatory... bedazzled... petrified...

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